Saturday, on an impulsive whim, I packed up my Airstream and escaped into the National Forest for a 2-week reprieve from my reality. Faced with various business issues and some difficult impending decisions that must be made, I craved the peace and quiet of nature, where I could become more grounded and perhaps gain some clarity regarding my path, missing any maps I could hold in my hand from which I could chart my course much more easily.
On my arrival here, I discovered I had not properly winterized my home away from home, and the toilet plumbing had sprung a nasty leak, which flooded my humble abode while I was outside primping and pruning, pulling out all the awnings and breathing deep the forest pine-scented air. So, my trip essentially started with emergency water valve location identification education and soaking up all the toilet water that was seeping into every nook and cranny. Plumber’s putty didn’t stop the gusher, so off the valve went on the toilet, which is now being flushed with a bowl of water from the kitchen sink as the faucet in the bathroom is also leaking. Ugh. Not the kind of energy I was hoping to experience here. But I am camping, so okay.
One of the reasons I thought to get away from it all is to find quiet meditative inspiration, or at least a clue to what my life should become. My professional life is at a crossroads, as is my personal life and love life. In fact, I think I am on the brink of total destruction and chaos and possible annihilation.
On my third day, unable to find any form of peace, I knew a storm was rolling in. There were sever thunderstorm and wind warnings all over the region, and I new it would be coming straight through the forest where I was managing to flush my toilet manually.
On my arrival here, I discovered I had not properly winterized my home away from home, and the toilet plumbing had sprung a nasty leak, which flooded my humble abode while I was outside primping and pruning, pulling out all the awnings and breathing deep the forest pine-scented air. So, my trip essentially started with emergency water valve location identification education and soaking up all the toilet water that was seeping into every nook and cranny. Plumber’s putty didn’t stop the gusher, so off the valve went on the toilet, which is now being flushed with a bowl of water from the kitchen sink as the faucet in the bathroom is also leaking. Ugh. Not the kind of energy I was hoping to experience here. But I am camping, so okay.
One of the reasons I thought to get away from it all is to find quiet meditative inspiration, or at least a clue to what my life should become. My professional life is at a crossroads, as is my personal life and love life. In fact, I think I am on the brink of total destruction and chaos and possible annihilation.
On my third day, unable to find any form of peace, I knew a storm was rolling in. There were sever thunderstorm and wind warnings all over the region, and I new it would be coming straight through the forest where I was managing to flush my toilet manually.
Sure enough, just after dark, I saw flashes of light in the distance and the wind picked up, swaying the trees quite strongly, back and forth. As the flashes became brighter, I could hear the thunder following them in their requisite number of seconds later, giving me a general idea how long it would be until I would be right under it in my steel plated camper with the antennae fully extended. I cranked it down, just in case, even though I kinda’ wanted to leave it up.
I decided to turn off the TV and all the lights and experience the storm fully from my fairly well protected bed, my dog, Angel, lying at my feet. I closed my eyes and felt the storm coming closer and closer, and could now feel the rumbling of the thunder and the sway of the trailer from the heavy winds. I could also see the flashes of light through my closed eyes and tingled with anticipation of the bang that followed, not knowing if one of them might be from a tree falling on me, or the possibility of a direct lightening strike. I was hoping that in this unusually intense but meditative state, I would here an inner voice speak to me, have some brilliant insight as to how to get myself out of the mess I find myself in or at least find the hidden answer to one of my thousand questions. All I found was myself waking up at 8:30 the next morning, not the least bit refreshed.
Jesus, day 4, and I am worse off then when I started on my peace mission. Depression, cold weather, Angel looking at me with his big chocolate pudding colored eyes longing for me to be happy enough to take him out for a walk. I mustered the energy to take him out for a walk with my first cup of coffee, and crossed paths with a distinguished looking gentleman walking his very fat and fluffy dog, wearing a suit coat and also carrying a cup of coffee. We exchanged a few colorful words about the weather and continued on in our opposite directions.
I returned to the trailer as lost as I could be when I received a txt message from a quasi friend who announced that his cancer had returned with a vengeance and his doctor gave him no more than two years to live. I should have felt bad for him. Any normal person would have. But I didn’t. I felt jealous and envious. I knew I was in trouble.
I decided to turn off the TV and all the lights and experience the storm fully from my fairly well protected bed, my dog, Angel, lying at my feet. I closed my eyes and felt the storm coming closer and closer, and could now feel the rumbling of the thunder and the sway of the trailer from the heavy winds. I could also see the flashes of light through my closed eyes and tingled with anticipation of the bang that followed, not knowing if one of them might be from a tree falling on me, or the possibility of a direct lightening strike. I was hoping that in this unusually intense but meditative state, I would here an inner voice speak to me, have some brilliant insight as to how to get myself out of the mess I find myself in or at least find the hidden answer to one of my thousand questions. All I found was myself waking up at 8:30 the next morning, not the least bit refreshed.
Jesus, day 4, and I am worse off then when I started on my peace mission. Depression, cold weather, Angel looking at me with his big chocolate pudding colored eyes longing for me to be happy enough to take him out for a walk. I mustered the energy to take him out for a walk with my first cup of coffee, and crossed paths with a distinguished looking gentleman walking his very fat and fluffy dog, wearing a suit coat and also carrying a cup of coffee. We exchanged a few colorful words about the weather and continued on in our opposite directions.
I returned to the trailer as lost as I could be when I received a txt message from a quasi friend who announced that his cancer had returned with a vengeance and his doctor gave him no more than two years to live. I should have felt bad for him. Any normal person would have. But I didn’t. I felt jealous and envious. I knew I was in trouble.
Just then, when putting my purse in the overhead storage, I saw a CD that a friend mailed to me last year. My friend, Fran McKendree. I met him many years ago when I first moved to Asheville, and we recently re-connected via Facebook and have had some very beautiful exchanges. He had emailed me a song he wrote, and I told him how beautiful I thought it was. The soon after mailed me his CD, and I put it in my trailer last year and didn’t get around to listening to it at that time. But now it caught my eye and my full attention. The title of the CD is “Awake”. I put it in my disc player and laid on the sofa with a blanket over me. The music was beautiful, filled with songs about God and Jesus. It was a little bit like being in Church as some of the songs I recognized from going to Mass years back.
As I laid there, I was hoping maybe from Fran’s beautiful music I could connected with something outside or inside myself that would lend itself to feelings of peace and tranquility, but despite the beauty of the melodies and spiritual nature of the lyrics, I was not connect to any of it. Even as I gazed out the windows up into the swaying trees and the blue sky and white clouds passing by, which was by all accounts as beautiful as the music I was listening to, nothing. Not until the end of the disc. There was a song that was not sung, but spoken by Fran about fire, and how there has to be empty space between the wood for the fire to burn, and that all we need to do is put an occasional piece of wood on the fire for it to continue to burn.
That was it! That was the answer and guidance I was looking for. An old lesson that I had somehow forgotten. It is not up to me to get me out of this mess. It is up to God.
As I laid there, I was hoping maybe from Fran’s beautiful music I could connected with something outside or inside myself that would lend itself to feelings of peace and tranquility, but despite the beauty of the melodies and spiritual nature of the lyrics, I was not connect to any of it. Even as I gazed out the windows up into the swaying trees and the blue sky and white clouds passing by, which was by all accounts as beautiful as the music I was listening to, nothing. Not until the end of the disc. There was a song that was not sung, but spoken by Fran about fire, and how there has to be empty space between the wood for the fire to burn, and that all we need to do is put an occasional piece of wood on the fire for it to continue to burn.
That was it! That was the answer and guidance I was looking for. An old lesson that I had somehow forgotten. It is not up to me to get me out of this mess. It is up to God.
All I have to do is to do the next right thing…put an occasional log on the fire. I have lived this experience profoundly so many times in the past, I can hardly believe that I forgot the many lessons I have already learned about it. My life is none of my business. I had forgotten. No wonder I felt so utterly powerless. That is because I am. And to fight against that is like not only exhausting, but terrifying to the point of paralysis.
As I draw a deep breath of relief into my lungs and listen to my fingers type my words automatically as I think them (so amazing and magical when you think about it), my thoughts go to one place…God. Okay, two places: God and my stomach, which is hungry. It is close to 7pm now, and I will do my best to re-member who and what I am, and let go of it. All of it. It is when I let go of all things that magic starts to happen. Providence takes place of self-will, and I am able to experience serenity and tranquility in the midst of chaos and uncertainty. And that is a place I wish to live. Peace lives there.
God’s will, not mine, be done.
Amen
PS: Thank you, Fran, for your ongoing inspiration.
As I draw a deep breath of relief into my lungs and listen to my fingers type my words automatically as I think them (so amazing and magical when you think about it), my thoughts go to one place…God. Okay, two places: God and my stomach, which is hungry. It is close to 7pm now, and I will do my best to re-member who and what I am, and let go of it. All of it. It is when I let go of all things that magic starts to happen. Providence takes place of self-will, and I am able to experience serenity and tranquility in the midst of chaos and uncertainty. And that is a place I wish to live. Peace lives there.
God’s will, not mine, be done.
Amen
PS: Thank you, Fran, for your ongoing inspiration.
Amen! One step at a time, one minute at a time. We can never see the whole picture, the whole future, and it is pointless to go nuts trying to figure it all out in advance! God will show the way if we just follow (I say as I go nuts trying to figure it all out)!LOL!
ReplyDeleteNice writing. This made me sit back and think how it would feel alone in the woods at night in a thunderstorm - or even at all. I closed my eyes to think and just woke up. Very relaxing.
ReplyDelete