The Generosity and Predatory Nature of Strangers

Leave it to me to see the polar opposites in any given situation.  I really cannot help it.  I have good and evil at the same exact degrees in my natal chart, so I can see and am capable of both, believe me, and I can see through motives like nobody's business...especially mine.  But here I am, calling BS on humanitarian efforts all over the world.

There's nothing like a natural or a national disaster to bring out the best and the worst in people.  Most people see only the best, but they do not have the inner evil that I have to be able to see it for what it often is...an opportunity.  And opportunity to feel better about ourselves, an opportunity to promote our selves, an opportunity to capitalize for ourselves, an opportunity to martyr ourselves, an opportunity to pump up our egos, an opportunity to be heros...  But isn't all of this a function of our egos?  Who does anything good quietly?  Not very many people.  Certainly not me.  Every time I've ever done something for someone else, I've ALWAYS eventually told someone I did it.  It's disgusting.  It disgusts me.  I disgust myself.  Seriously.

Just today, someone offered a chunk of money to me as a donation to offer my students as a scholarship. This person is a complete stranger on FaceBook.  I didn't solicit this money.  They offered it via private email message.  I didn't see any post from them saying "Hey!  Look at me!  I did something good!  I'm fabulous!  I'm worthy!  Everybody love me!".  Nothing.  Not a peep.  Not me though. I couldn't wait a millisecond to post something on my FB page that said "Hey!  Look at me!  Someone gave me something!  I'm fabulous!  I'm worthy!  Everybody love me!".  It's disgusting.  I could seriously vomit over my own ego's audacity.  And worse, even as I write this, my post is still there, just sitting there, hoping to draw another breath of self-worth into my old and tired soul.

Then there's Haiti.  I've never seen so many fund-raisers in my life.  Every Tom, Dick and Harry is coming out with every version of fund-raising schemes (and scams) imaginable.  From concerts to events at thousands of businesses around the community, all I see is self-permotion and hidden agendas.  Egos galore from the famous to the infamous and the unknown, all wanting to help (themselves) in the name of humanitarian efforts.  Opportunistic predators of the worst kind...the kind that uses the death and devastation of others to promote themselves in some way, even if it is a simple post on FB saying "I gave".

There are real heros out there.  People who don't need to tell people that they are giving, that they are fabulous or worthy or need to solicit love.  They are the quiet ones that send an anonymous cash contribution, or that lend a hand without having to say who they are or what they stand for.  Their quiet actions continually fill their hearts and souls with everything they need to feel whole.  They don't require write-ups in the paper or medals of honor or anyone to acknowledge them or praise them.  These people are the humble among us.  And they are impossible to spot because they never advertise themselves.  They walk among us as invisible agents of God or the universe or just by chance, and if they are lucky, we will never know them.

I guess if getting the job done requires the stroking of countless egos (like mine), then it is worth it in the end.  People are ultimately helped on the physical plane. The folks in Haiti will have water to drink and food to eat, and eventually their country will be rebuilt.  And the folks who promoted the fund-raisers will have a little more notoriety and popularity. Some will profit from the disaster-thons, and some will even become wealthy as a result of their 'efforts'.  But at what cost?

What happens to my soul every time I hide a bad motive behind a good one?  Does it become more and more degraded?  It feels like it in this body.  Maybe that's where the nausea comes from when I post my "look at me" messages on FB...my body's attempt to expel the damage I am doing to my soul when I act from ego.  I have no proof, but I suspect that my soul will need all the strength it can muster to cross over to the next place.  It makes sense that our soul is energy, and if depleted enough, it won't go anywhere.  Maybe that is what 'hell' really is...being stuck here because we don't have enough fuel to leave.

I am going to make a greater effort to be quiet in my efforts, whatever they may be....right after I publish my new blog.