When I heard it, my first response was that it was incorrect, that I always want the truth. But pondering my proclamation, I realized that response wasn't the truth at all! I greatly prefer fantasy to reality, in all its forms. Always have, always will.
The truth is that I am always suffering. Sometimes it is subtle and sometimes it requires medication. But it is always there, always present, under all the smiles and costumes and ridiculous material disguises. My ability to put a happy face on any situation and call it a spiritual experience is a remarkable coping mechanism that I learned over the years, really from the time I was very young. Nobody taught it to me. I didn't learn it in church or through any groups or organizations I have involved myself in. But it is profoundly effective in helping me to survive day after day, and it actually brings me peace in the middle of any form of fear or pain I find myself in.
If I look at the truth of my life today, I can launch a full-blown panic attack in about a minute and a half. My business has been struggling to survive for over a year, I have not had enough income to pay myself a salary, so I have been working my ass off for free for over a year now. I have had to invest my savings in my business to be able to continue to pay the folks that work for me and not have to lay them off, my health needs much to be desired, and my love life is precarious at best. I have distanced myself from family and friends, given away my pets, stopped watching the news because it is all so incredibly disturbing, and have actually enjoyed watching TV shows like "Seven Signs of the Apocalypse" and "2012, The End Is Near", and "Life After People". Twenty-twelve...it isn't that far away. I try to visualize what might happen on December 21, 2012 with a sense of wonderment and a suggestion of relief. I wouldn't say I am suicidal or morbid, but complete oblivion certainly has its appeal.
But if I look at my life from a spiritual perspective, I can find things to mask my discontent, like gratitude, hope, charity, compassion...all tools that allow me to believe that my life is none of my business, and that there is some greater being, greater force that is in charge of it all. It allows me to act as if I am happy about the state of my world or the state of The world. It lays a delicate vail over my eyes and softens the edges of all I see and know, making being alive tolerable, and sometimes even enjoyable. It seems to take the ever-increasing load off my shoulders and allows me to reside in denial for just a little while so that I can catch my breath and gear up for the next dose of truth, whatever it may be.
I'd prefer that my spiritual perspective was always present, but it requires exercising a part of my brain on a continual basis, and resting another part of it. Unfortunately, I enjoy using the part of my brain that engages in linear thought, rational, intellectual, conceptual, philosophical, etc. And it seems that when I am fully engaged, I don't remember the spiritual, or maybe it isn't possible to be in both at the same time. It occurs to me that if it were possible, I'd reside there all the time, automatically, because it is so much more pleasant. So, I suspect that it requires conscious effort to maintain a spiritual condition.
Regardless, I have found that living in 'truth' is not necessary to function effectively or efficiently, and in fact, it may be counterproductive. Truth is painful more often than not. And the truth remains the truth whether you are acutely aware of it or comfortably numbed by some form of denial, whether it is the belief that God or some greater being is in charge of it all, or medication that relieves our belief that it is all our responsibility. If we can find a way to see just enough to do the next right thing and not be crippled by the magnitude of our reality or our truth, then maybe we can survive and actually experience joy in the moment, and if we can find a way to do the next right thing, maybe our Truth will change.
No comments:
Post a Comment